One thing about my writing is that I try to tell only positive, uplifting, or funny stories. Sometimes that creates a unique challenge since all of my stories are also true. Also, I try not to tell stories that could be harmful or hurtful to others. Again, this can be limiting. There are some great stories and funny stories that will need to be published after I am long gone from this world or else once I am old enough that I no longer care who reads them. For instance, I cannot in good conscience at this time write about the naked guy who lost his pillow somewhere in the kitchen. I also cannot discuss what really happened to that pretzel nugget at the mall. Nor can we have a conversation about ......well heck, I can't even think of a way to give you a hint about that one! Actually, I think I will go ahead and tell you about the lost pillow…
Marie knocked and the sweet old lady, who was expecting us, opened the door and said come on in and have a seat! We walked into a living room that was part of an open floor plan with an adjacent dining room. All was nicely decorated if a bit dated as you would expect in the home of an older person. The one unexpected piece of décor was the forty something year old totally naked man standing about where the living and dining rooms met. As we entered the room, he calmly reached for a pillow from the back of the sofa and stood there silently holding it, well, strategically. My poor trainee was stopped dead in her tracks.
“Go ahead and have a seat!”, the old woman said joyfully, apparently unaware of the scene behind her.
My trainee and I were seated facing the old woman on her L-shaped sofa. It was quite a sight with the spectacle behind her. I took over exchanging pleasantries as I could see my trainee was just a bit flustered.
“What a lovely home. I love what you have done with the place!”
“How is the family?”
“This looks like a great place to hang out!”
Along about this time, the pillow wielding stranger turned and walked across the dining room and disappeared into the kitchen in all of his glory.
My trainee, seeing that the crisis had passed, was able to regain her composure and began to discuss the intended purpose of our visit. That was good for about three minutes.
At that point the stranger reemerged from the kitchen walked across the dining room and returned to stand in the exact same spot as before. But, there was one difference. He had lost his pillow! And my trainee had now lost the ability to speak in comprehendible sentences.
“um er ah when um whoo oh my…”
I knew this time she was through! I had to jump in and take over and save the day!
I proceeded to talk about the important matters at hand while avoiding any thoughts of this silent figure scratching himself in the distance. It was not an easy task. Especially with my trainee hyperventilating on the sofa beside me. After what seemed like an eternity, Mister Scratchy disappeared down the hallway toward the bedrooms.
Things from there got a bit calmer. We had a nice visit. At the end the lady said that what we were proposing sounded wonderful. She just wanted to discuss it with her children before making a final decision. I agreed and asked if they lived locally. She stated that they all lived out of town with the exception of Tommy, who lived with her.
She then said, “ I am surprised that he is not out here. He usually comes out when we have company!”
My trainee quickly spoke up fearing she might yell down the hall for him to make another “appearance”, “Oh it’s ok, he is probably busy and we wouldn’t want to disturb him. You discuss this with your kids and get back to us.” As she was saying this she was hurriedly making her way to the door.
Needless to say, my trainee did not last very much longer in the business.
L. E. Hewitt's 2nd book
It is called ""My Wonderful Chaos"
Here is a sample chapter from the book
Today is February 14th, Valentine's Day. I had work commitments to fulfill today, so Sally and I had our holiday celebration last night. Today is also Saturday. I will pause here and let you ponder and analyze what I have written so far . . . dum, dee, dum, dum, dee . . . read between the lines . . . doo, bee, doo, bee, doo . . . especially those of you who are superstitious . . . tweedle dee, dee, do, dee, dum . . . ok, have you discovered the problem here?
Ok, for those of you who are still puzzled, Sally and I celebrated Valentine's Day on Friday the thirteenth! I should have known better! Sally always says that I don't think things through very well. Maybe on this very isolated, one in a million, once in a lifetime occasion, it is remotely possible that in spite of any logical conclusion, she might have just maybe been right.
This had not been a great week for the two of us anyhow. You see, I opened my mouth and said something (That was probably my first mistake right there.) that she did not like the other day and it turned into an argument. The trouble is that Sally does not end an argument the same day it began (I think it is against her religion or something.). She prefers to stay mad and stew on it awhile. Meanwhile, being a fixer (that is an offshoot extremist branch of Presbyterians, according to Sally), this drives me insane, as I just want to reach a resolution to the problem and move on. So, for those few days, we usually drive one another batty.
Anyhow, Valentine's Day was fast approaching, so Sally tepidly endorsed my request for an evening out. She wanted no part of any grand plans or anything, but she did agree to go to dinner. She might be mad, but the girl would never turn down the opportunity to eat good Mexican food.
Having a large family and big responsibilities, it is usually a nice change of pace for Sally and I to just get away and be normal people if only for a couple of hours. So, as Friday evening arrived, I set the kids up with submarine sandwiches and Sally and I hit the door headed for a rare, quiet dinner alone at her favorite Fresh Mex restaurant. It was a chance to reconnect over guacamole and salsa in a relaxed atmosphere on Friday the thirteenth. Which, coincidentally, was also the birthday of a loud, rowdy, Mexican food loving ten year old who decided to have a party with twenty-five of her screaming, yelling friends.
Yep, the quiet little Mexican joint, with a seating capacity of around fifty, was now half full of birthday party goers and more closely resembled an elementary school cafeteria than a romantic hideaway. So much for quiet conversation, this was even louder than dinnertime at our own house! Sally and I basically looked across the table at each other and ate (She was still mad at me, but there was no sense in yelling, as I could not have heard her anyhow).
In recognition of her request to keep the evening simple (in other words, because she was so mad she could barely stand the sight of me), my next item on the agenda was to go to the movie rental store and let Sally pick out any stupid, mind numbing, sappy . . . er . . . I mean . . . any rare gem of Hollywood's finest examples of entertainment that she wanted and we would go home and watch it together. I have to admit. I was impressed. Sally knew exactly which movie she wanted to see and we were in and out of the movie store in no time at all. Maybe this Friday the thirteenth mumbo jumbo was just a myth after all.
Arriving back home, I had a surprise waiting for Sally. I had employed the kids to help me in giving her a group of Valentine's gifts that tied into the theme of the evening. Sally loves popcorn. I do not mean that she really likes it. I mean she loves it! It is one of her all time favorite foods. So, to go with her movie, she received a new homemade popcorn popper, several bags of good quality popcorn, and a set of special bowls with the word popcorn inscribed on the side of them. I could tell she was irritated with me for the money that I had spent (and for the fact that I merely lived and breathed), but I could also tell that she was quite pleased with her gift (although she would never admit it to a scumbag like me).
We then proceeded to pop some popcorn and convince the kids that this was movie night for mom and dad only. The popcorn was great. The convincing, well, that was a bit harder. All of the sudden the kids did not want to watch any of the seventeen other televisions in the house or play video games, or get on the internet, or play ping pong or basketball, as they usually would do. No, on this night, these poor little deprived . . . darlings just wanted mommy and daddy (Thank heaven for those door locks I installed on the outside of the closets). Actually, after a bit of convincing, we settled in to watch this masterpiece my wife had chosen.
About forty minutes into the movie, Sally professed, "This movie makes no sense!"
How spooky! She was reading my mind! The flick had the potential to be a truly sappy love story, but there was no flow to the storyline at all. It came off as being plain nonsense. We sat through the whole thing. Sally ate gallons of popcorn. I then got up from the sofa and went to bed.
So for Valentine's Day this year, I sat through a loud, raucous dinner and a bad movie with the most beautiful, wonderful Valentine I have ever known (even though she did hate my guts). Sounds to me like I am one very lucky guy!
L.E.Hewitt's 1st Book
It's called "Life Between the Raindrops"